Day 12 – Oahu

Hello again, dear readers. I’m back at sea, showered, shaven, and sunburn free (nothing makes my mother happier). Aiight amigos, let me tell you about my last two days.

Yesterday Nick and I woke up for an 8:00 am breakfast with my aforementioned friend Greg, as well as my buddies Nate and Jake, whom you have yet to meet. The goal was to get some mopeds and cruise the beautiful island of Oahu, hopefully making it up to the North Shore. When we got off the boat, a woman who ran a Waikiki shuttle was trying to sell us on a moped place that charged only $15 per day. However, her shuttle was taking forever, so we decided to grab a cab into Waikiki. While getting a cab we saw Dan, a dude Jake knew who wanted to ride mopeds. So Dan decided to join us for the day.

The driver sold us on this place that rented Hawaiian Cruisers, these moped/go kart hybrids. A Cruiser has two seats, three wheels (two in the front and one in the back), a small windshield in the front (about chest high), and handlebars for steering with brakes and a throttle. Because the roads in Oahu are not that well maintained, he strongly recommended using these three wheelers. He had been involved in a brutal moped accident less than a year ago, and as a result he will never surf again (only in Hawaii is that a measuring stick). At the time we thought he was an awesome dude for the great recommendation.

We rented the mopeds from this goofy stoner sales manager. I’m convinced we could have done a better job haggling, but the majority of the group just seemed rearing to rent the things and hit the road. I was telling everyone we should shop around (threatening to leave is the strongest move you can make), but the group wanted on be out on the open road. We got him to knock a bit off the price, but I wasn’t satisfied. It came out to $70 per person for the entire day, which was more than I wanted to spend.

The price was high because we got the cruisers with the nicest engines; they can hit 50 mph. The fact that SAS allows us to rent these things yet prohibits skydiving as a “high risk activity” is simply astounding. But not that I’m complaining.

Dan and I decided to ride together, and the $70 investment paid off the second we hit the road. The cruisers are one of the funnest toys I’ve played with in a while. The sun was shining, my shirt was off (revealing my pale and hairy, yet rock-hard body) and we were cruising along the majestic coastline. Life couldn’t be much better. And then it started to rain. It wasn’t raining hard, but the lack of roof and windshield made it hard to see. And then Jake and Nate’s cruiser broke down. Dan and I didn’t actually see it happen, so we just continued along to the lunch spot we planned to meet. Once we got to Teddy’s Bigger Burgers, a spectacular burger joint, I got a hold of Nick and learned that Jake and Nate were stuck on the side of the road. Nick and Greg were waiting with them. Since we had already gotten to the restaurant, Dan and I decided to eat before meeting up with the group. The burger was one of the highlights of the day (not that the day was bad, it was just a damn good burger). Apparently Teddy’s Bigger Burgers is a chain that started in Seattle. If you ever see one, do yourself a favor and eat there.

After our epic lunch, Dan and I caught up with the group back on the road. They had waited over an hour in the rain for help to show up, and when the owner arrived he did not even offer an apology. In fact, he accused Jake and Nate of being negligent, and threatened to charge $100 for making him come out there. But his douchebaggery aside, Jake and Nate had a new Cruiser and we were back on the road.

Since it was raining, we abandoned our plans of hitting up the North Shore. Instead, after the rest of the group got lunch, we decided to hike in Mana Wili Falls. Apparently there is an epic cliff jump at the end of the hike, but we unfortunately did not have the four hours to dedicate to getting there and back. What we did hike, though, was incredibly scenic, and I enjoyed every second of it. It was filled with small rivers and lush vegetation; I wish we could have gone to the end. Also, the trail was really muddy and slippery (dirtying up my sweet white shoes!), which, sadly, made it tough to take pictures.

After hiking, we decided to drive around the local area, as the roads seemed to literally be carved through breathtaking rainforest. I snapped some sweet pics, though I really wish I had thought to take video. Not only is taking stills tough when you’re moving quickly, but also a video would have given a sweet sense of riding experience. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Then we made our way back to the boat, stopping at a scenic turnout to watch the sunset. This might have been the best part of the day, especially as someone who enjoys photography. The lighting was simply amazing. Looking over the photos as I write this blog post, I really wish I could post them to the internet now. But I guess you’ll just have to wait, now won’t you. Patience is a virtue, you impatient bastards.

After the sunset, Dan and I made our way back to the ship. After a quick shower, we hit up The Shack, a sports bar. They had $2 fish tacos and $2 Coronas, which is a recipe for a great evening. The bar was really fun until the live music started playing, which was way, way, waaaaay too loud. I could barely hear the person next to me, so I decided to grab Kayla, a cute SAS girl whom I had met at dinner, for a dance. Kayla had seemed somewhat interested in me, making a sincere effort over the last hour to talk with me despite the fact that we were sitting across the table from one another. So I figured I’d wow her with my awesome dance moves. She was clearly digging it, probably because my dance moves are so awesome. Of course, I later learned she has a boyfriend. They always do.

Anyhow, two girls from dinner decided to join in on the dancing, and soon after a local Hawaiian dude started creeping on them. Since I was already dancing with Kayla, there really wasn’t much I could do to protect the other girls. Unable to help them, I figured I might as well laugh at their discomfort. Which I did. Heartily.

Then some friends and I went to have a few brews on the lovely Waikiki beach. I bought a New Zealand beer from the liquor store, entirely due to the fact that I figured the Flight of the Conchords may drink that very same beer. Beach drinking was good fun, especially because the cops could not have cared less. Dan stayed sober and drove me back on the cruiser, which was a blast to ride in, especially since I had consumed four beers over the course of the evening. And no joke, we saw over 50 prostitutes on the ride back. Didn’t know it was such a thriving industry in Oahu. Back on the ship, I stealthily returned and got ready for bed without waking up Nick. I’m pretty much Batman.

Now I had known Nick was not going out, so I hadn’t really heard from him since the sunset. The next morning, I learned that he and Greg broke down in a shady part of town. And surprise surprise, the owner was yet again a huge jackass. NEVER EVER EVER RENT FROM MINI COUPE HAWAII (that’s the name of the place we rented from). I’ve heard the owner rapes and eats puppies for fun. Seriously. But basically the dude came out, accused Nick and Greg of breaking the cruiser, and refused to offer any sort of apology or compensation. To top things off, the sales manager, who came with the owner and ended up driving Nick and Greg back to the ship, told them that he was high while driving.

But since Nick’s cruiser was taken care of, he and I drove to Waikiki this morning to return my cruiser. When I brought it back, I voiced my displeasure over the rude treatment we received and the poor performance of the vehicles. When the shop refused to offer a refund, I angrily said I wanted to create a website called MiniCoupeHawaiiRuinedMyVacation.com and stormed out. I figured that was the end of it.

That frustration over, Nick and I grabbed breakfast. We each got a waffle topped with cooked apples and macadamia nuts, which was unbelievably tastylicious. Coconut syrup, for the record, might be the most delectable thing on the face of the earth.

Next we decided to relax on Waikiki beach for a few hours. The beach might just be the most picturesque beach I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, it is not conducive to many pictures because I feared getting sand in the lens. I did grab a few cool shots, though.

At the beach, we met up with a few fellow SASers and went for a swim. The water temperature was absolutely perfect: cold enough to be very refreshing (like a junior mint) but warm enough to dive into without discomfort. The lone problem with the beach is the massive amount of coral mixed in with the sand on the ocean floor. Walking on it hurts your feet.

After a few hours on the beach, Nick and I left to run a few remaining errands. We went to Battery Bill’s, where Nick and I each got an extra battery for our cameras. The store has Battery Bill’s commercial constantly running on a television screen, which I assume slowly drives Battery Bill insane. It’s a hysterically goofy commercial and jingle, though, and I sincerely hope it’s on YouTube. Look for it.

Afterward, Nick and I went to Costco and our cab driver let us use his Costco card. We bought a massive amount of chocolate covered Macadamia nuts, a Hawaiian specialty. I also bought a new water bottle, because I left mine on the beach in Hilo.

Back at the ship, we were all set to shower and unwind. And then Mini Coupe Hawaii called. They claimed we had caused massive amounts of damage to our cruisers and we had to come to the shop immediately. We told them that we could not get there because we were obligated to be on the ship. So they threatened to send police officers to prevent us from boarding the ship. Knowing it was an empty threat, Nick and I boarded the MV Explorer and then tried to settle things over the phone. It is still unclear as to whether or not we will be charged for these supposed damages, though I think we have sufficient ammunition to fight any charges (namely the fact that we returned our car without damages, gave ample warning as to when we had to be back on the ship and when we would be leaving cell service, and we never received a call citing damages to be charged). Needless to say, MiniCoupeHawaiiRuinedMyVacation.com, it appears you are soon to become a reality.

Okey dokey, I’m off to bed. Talk to you tomorrow, my friends.