Funny Stories and Funny Shirts

Two funny stories today from my after-school classes.  The first doesn’t have any great quotes or anything, I’d just forgotten how funny kids are when they’re upset.  Two kids, Kim Ujin and I Yunmin, were upset with each other after class.  You see, to get my kids to talk more I divided them into three teams, and then I make each a day competition.  The team that talks the most wins the day, and the team with the most wins at the end of the semester gets candy (little do they know I’ll give them all candy).  Anyway, Kim Ujin’s team, team 1, beat team 2 by only one point today.  After class, Kim Ujin and I Yunmin were arguing in Korean.  They wouldn’t/couldn’t elaborate with me about what, and I’m unsure who started it.  Anyway, I made them both apologize to each other and shake hands.  They were super mopey about doing this, which was hysterical.  I struggled to keep a straight face. 

Before I get the second story, I must explain my famous new acronym: TTT.  TTT refers to “Teacher Tummy Time,” because whenever we stretch in the beginning of class my shirt rides up and my tummy is visible.  This always generates a big (negative) reaction from students, so I always say “Relax, it’s just TTT.”  My fifth graders have really taken a liking to this phrase, and whenever we are going to stretch Gwon Hyok always yells “TTT!”  The students then accuse each other of liking TTT, which always leads me to proclaim “Everyone loves TTT!”

Anyhow, today’s stretching started out like any other.  I told the kids to stand up and Gwon Hyok shouted “TTT!”  But then I Dongmin, a kid who was initially fairly quiet but now is more vocal and I’ve really taken a liking to, pointed and me and said with a menacing face “Teacher, cover your T!”  I nearly died laughing.  Since I was sweatpants today (it’s gotten effin’ cold), I pulled them up.  When we stretched toward the sky, my T was successfully covered the students gave me a loud ovation. 

Another funny moment worth noting today, though not technically a story, is that today’s after school topic was “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong.  At the end of class, when we sing together, I told the kids I’d give bonus points if they sang in Louis’ voice.  Their renditions were pretty priceless.

Before I sign off, there are some funny shirts I’ve been meaning to share.  So here they are, in no particular order.

• A sweatshirt featuring a cartoon character with a smiling face and a circle for a stomach, though just lines for arms and legs.  A shooting star was coming out of the stomach and the following is written below, in all caps, “I AM OF THAT BOOMING HAPPY FEELING”
• A black sweatshirt featuring block neon letters which read “MAKE LOVE NOT BABIES”
• A t-shirt that looked like one of those generic Abercrombie Athletic shirts (or whatever brand makes them) but the front just said “SPORTS” across the chest with a big “23” covering the rest of the front.  Then in the bottom right there was one of those “Since 1978” stamps, because that’s when sports were invented.
• A hoodie with a big smiley face and a caption below reading “Be Smile.”

Girls Update and School Social

Heya gang!  It's the update you've all been waiting for!  And by that, of course, I mean it's the update no one is waiting for but I'll write about it anyway on the internet to feel important.

So, when we last spoke Stella Rocky had agreed to go on a date with me, but didn't return my call to schedule said date.  I texted her on Wednesday, and she didn't respond.  So I texted here again hours later, saying something along the lines of "I guess you changed your mind on dinner, no worries I'll cease bugging you.  Take care."  She responded to that one within a half hour, apologizing and saying that she was in Seoul and only just saw my messages.  She texted me again to say that she'd be returning to Busan next week.  I responded by saying "Right on.  Have a blast in Seoul!  Still interested in dinner once you're back?"  But she didn't get back to me on that one.  The Stella Rocky dream has died.

Luckily, I got a very positive response from Bobby, the girl I'd met at Halloween.  She agreed to do dinner, which we had last night.  It started poorly, as I beat her to the agreed meeting spot and proceeded to check my hair in a window.  Of course, as I'm checking my hair, she walks up and says "Don't worry, you look good" in a teasing tone.  It threw me off a bit, but being the champion I am with the ladies I quickly recovered.  As we walked to the restaurant, I somehow mentioned this dinner being a date (I forget how it came up, I don't know why I would just say it randomly.  I suspect she said something to trigger my comment, but if she did I don't remember what she said), and she quickly said "How do you know this is a date?  We could barely talk in that loud club."  Again, she caught me a bit off guard, but again, being a smooth lady champion, I said "Well, when you could hear them, you did laugh at the jokes I made.  And you approached me, so you must like the way I look, and therefore obviously want my body."  She laughed and told me fair enough.

The date proceeded to go really well.  As you could hopefully tell from the above paragraph, unless I'm a terrible writer (which is very possible), Bobby is playful and sassy.  Which is exactly my type.  She was also more attractive than I'd remembered (I remembered thinking she looked good when I met her, but last night she looked good), and didn't wear much makeup, if any (huge plus in my book).  I also dig her social perception.  Over dinner, she said she didn't like most foreign guys because they are "douchebags," a sentiment I agree wholeheartedly with.  But even more impressive, she'd keenly noticed that many of these guys "strut around like they're Superman because Koreans love white people, but back home they are probably losers."

After dinner, we went to this Indian restaurant/hookah bar.  They had semi-private stalls with translucent cloth dividing each eating area.  Bobby got a Jasmine tea, as alcohol makes her easily sick (when she does drink she told me she'll have 1/3 of a beer) and I got a beer.  We talked for an hour and a half about all sorts of stuff.  She had a big Saturday coming up so she headed home around 11:30, but we talked and connected for a solid 3 hours.  Ended the evening with a hug and I told her I wanted to see her again soon.  I really hope it works out because I'm ready to retire from the Korean singles scene.

So that's the girls update.  The only other noteworthy thing to happen to me since my last blog post was a school social hike followed by dinner on Wednesday.  The hike was pretty tame, but I had a hilarious conversation with Mr. Che, another teacher.  I was telling him about Bobby, and I told him that she's 30.  And he said "Ah, Max, that's OK.  Age is just a number.  Age is not important."  And I replied "Right!  What's important is her mind."  Mr. Che looked confused and said "No, surface!  Surface is what's important!"  I guess the American idioms "Don't judge a book by it's cover," and "Real beauty is on the inside" don't get taught in South Korea.

The dinner after the hike was pretty fun.  I got drunk because the Vice Principal kept feeding me shots of Soju.  But both he and the Principal told me that they wanted me to stay another year, which I took as a nod toward my job performance.

Well that's what's happened in my life.  Sick comeback by the Sharks last night, I saw the 3rd period, OT, and the shootout after my Friday classes.

Girls and Fireworks

Being in Korea for 2 months now, I’ve seen countless beautiful Korean women walking with their arms around with shlubby white dudes.  And as a single, fairly non-shlubby white dude, I find it agonizing.  Finding a beautiful Korean to put my arm around has started to take over my thoughts.  This post reflects that, so take it as a forewarning.

But, before I get into the meat of the post, I mentioned the Lotte Giants and their playoff run.  Well, it ended in anguish.  The got crushed 8-4 in an elimination game.  The dream is dead.

OK, on to girls.

Two Wednesdays ago, I was riding the bus and I saw a gorgeous girl wearing a hat get aboard.  The hat was a camouflage Lotte Giants hat, one I’d never seen before.  I thought to myself “man, I should go talk to her.”  But I continued to sit and listen to the White Stripes (the song, in fact, was “You’re Pretty Good Looking for a Girl”).  But after 10 minutes passed, I convinced myself with the delusional logic that, if this were a movie, the score would probably be a badass song like “Hello Operator” while the dashing lead approached the beautiful lady.  So I made my move.

I walked up to girl and said “shil lae ha mi da, oh di par da ilgo” (excuse me, where sell this) and then motioned to her hat.  Luckily, she spoke English and told me that she’d bought it at the Lotte Department Store.  I complimented her on the hat, saying I’d never seen it before.  She loved it.  We continued to talk for 10 minutes or so before getting off at the same stop.  When we got off, I asked her for her number.  Before she could respond, I said “wait, nam ja chin goo isseyo?” (do you have a boyfriend?).  She laughed and said she did, but now regretted it.  I laughed and bid her adieu, pleased with myself for at least getting up and talking to her.

I got another chance to approach a lovely lady on the ultra-romantic 83-1 bus two days later, as I sat behind a stunning girl sitting with her friend and wearing a colorful jacket.  Again needing about 10 minutes to build my confidence, I approached with the same “shil lae ha mi da, oh di par da ilgo,” but this time I motioned to her jacket.  She looked a little confused as to why I’d inquire about buying a women’s jacket, so I told her that it’s just my sister’s style.  Like the last girl, this girl spoke English very well and was unbelievably flattered by the compliment.  Unlike the last girl, though, she was single (I learned she had no man in her life after she told me “I have no job, I just play all day.”  Given her beauty and expensive clothing and jewelry I assumed she had to be married to a wealthy guy, so I asked “What does your husband do?”  She looked at me in shock and exclaimed “I’m not married, I’m single!”).  We talked for the rest of the ride, maybe 20 minutes or so.  And in a stunning reversal of my normal character, I somehow managed to be charming and charismatic for the duration of the ride.  I was so charming and charismatic, in fact, that I got her number while a couple of Korean 20-something dudes looked on in envy.  Twas pretty cool.

After exchanging text messages that evening and the following Monday, I called Stella Rocky (what I call her; Stella is her English name, and her Korean name sounds like Rocky) on Wednesday to ask for a date.  She said she had to go to an aunt’s birthday the upcoming weekend, but agreed to dinner the following weekend.  I was pretty pumped about it, but when I called her this past Monday she didn’t pick up and didn’t return my call.  My co-teachers think she’s testing me/toying with me, but it took the wind out of my sails.  I’m going to try again today.  I’ll keep ya posted, internet.

Speaking of my co-teachers, it turns out that they have hysterical things to say about relationships.  My four female co-teachers ALL encouraged me to not be deterred if a girl I’m talking to has a boyfriend.  One told me that she thought I could get 80% girls I tried with that had boyfriends.  Another said “Just because there is a goal keeper doesn’t mean that it isn’t possible to score a goal” (a hilarious attempt at the more well-known “Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score”).  And, before leaving to call Stella Rocky for the first time, my 6^th grade co-teacher messaged me “Good Luck Bro!” over the school messaging system.  I now ask them for advice on all things girl related, as they are a wealth of information and American sayings.

And now I’m going to talk about three more things is this post: my new friend Ryan, Fireworks Festival + Halloween, and school (Editor’s Note: Probably the worst transition I’ve ever written.  I’ve spent about 10 minutes working on a decent transition and have nothing, probably because I’m an entirely mediocre writer.  I’d spend more time, but I have class coming up in 40 minutes and want to finish before then.  The closest thing I came up with was “enough about girls…” but I’m going to talk about meeting a girl on Halloween.  SO DEAL WITH IT).

First, my new friend Ryan.  In short, he’s the fucking man.  I was put in touch with him by Bosston Shangraw, my good college buddy and co-host of a boring sports radio show we put on.  Bosston had come to South Korea with a mutual friend from college who lived in Korea until he was 10.  Ryan was his childhood friend, and he has grown into a simply wonderful man.  He’s smart, funny, generous, has a car, and makes me wish I was gay.  We hung out two weekends ago to watch the international fireworks competition followed by dinner and drinks, and then the following weekend on both Friday and Saturday nights.

This past Saturday was the Busan Fireworks Festival main show.  While the international competition was pretty cool, the show on Saturday made it seem like child’s play.  The show went on for an hour and was, by far, the most impressive fireworks display I’ve ever seen.  The colors were vivid and bright.  The fireworks were not only overwhelming in volume, but also elegant and artful.  Some fell from the bridge like a waterfall.  Others exploded to have the jets of light fall together in beautiful synchronization.  Some exploded and the jets of light shot outward in a spiral pattern.  Others exploded into shapes like a cube, a smiley face, a bunny face, or to spell “BUSAN.”  I have a videos and pictures, I’ll upload them soon.

After the show Nick, Max, Doug and I went to Kyungsung and met up with Ryan.  We ended up at this bar/club called the Blue Monkey, which was pretty fun.  I love how Halloween is a holiday for everyone: kids get candy, adults get to give candy to adorable children, and immature 20-somethings like myself are treated to girls in promiscuous outfits.  I ended up meeting one such girl, who was fittingly dressed in a Hooters outfit.  I was shocked to later learn that she’s 30 years old (30 in Korean, 29 in Amurica), but that sure didn’t stop me from getting her number.

Before I sign off, I do have a few fun stories/observations to share from school.  I’ll start with three kids in 3^rd grade (all in different classes) that are just adorable.  The first is this little boy with skin a bit dark for a Korean, glasses, and a really funny sounding voice.  He is the most enthusiastic student I’ve got, and always screams the answer when we’re doing activities.  Just today, he yelled “Hello!!” to me from across the field as I walked into school.  I knew it was him immediately, as his voice is so distinct.

The second is a little boy who looks more like an undersized man.  He’s got a really adult-like shape to his face and he always wears polos with buttons (very rare for 3^rd graders) which are buttoned all the way up.  There isn’t much else that he does that’s funny, I just take delight in thinking of him as “Little Man.”

The last student is a little girl that is just the most adorable child I’ve ever seen.  Whenever she knows the answer, she always puts her hand up and shouts “Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!”  I normally would not cave to this, but she melts my heart.  When I walk into school, there are kids who come to school early to collect trash and tell people to walk around the field.  Normally, I pretend I don’t understand and walk through the field to get to the office.  But when this girl is on duty, she’ll run in front of me, yell at me in Korean, and point to the sidewalk.  Like yelling with her hand up, she’s too cute to say no to.  My favorite story, though, comes from when I was explaining a board game.  I was talking about spider squares, which have a picture of a spider and mean you have to go back to the beginning if you land on them.  Once I explained this, she shouted in the (cutest distressed voice I’d ever heard) “Oh NOOO!”

The last story to share comes from last Friday, when I was greeted with a raucous applause from my last 3^rd grade class of the day.  One kid said “Teacher Max!  You’re like famous guy!  Sign this!” and then pretended to hand me a piece of paper.  It would have been funnier if he’d pretended/actually lifted up his shirt.

OK, off to class.  Sayonara.